BUILDING A GODLY (FULFILLED) FAMILY

Introduction

Godly means – righteous, saintly,  holy, religious, divine, heavenly etc

Fulfilled means – Achieved, Accomplished, Contented, Happy, Satisfied, Rewarded etc

There is a Space. There is an Influence and There is a Waste

Nature abhors vacuum.

How can people then occupy spaces, only to waste such spaces?

How can a father want his son to face the same circumstances of his life? Why then were you occupying the space

A father that refuses to provide for his children because his own father did not provide for him is wasting his space of fatherhood!

Where we are, is our space to influence the progress of the next, no matter how little.

If in exercising that influence, our choices are coloured by our experiences that makes progress difficult for the next man, then that is wasting the space!!

And don’t we have many of them, in suits and ties, skirts and blouses, pimped and bleached; retarding progress all over the place?

When you say Yes to something, you are saying no to another. Don’t let it be your family.

Just as in business, every family hits glitches. Getting off track doesn’t mean you’ve failed. It just means you need to make some course corrections; hence the phrase Family management

Texts: Deuteronomy 6:1-3, 4-9; 1Tim 3:4,5; 1Tim 5:8; Psalm 127:1

Deuteronomy 6: 4-9 -Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one. 5 Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. 6 These commandments that I give you today are to be on your hearts. 7 Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. 8 Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. 9 Write them on the door frames of your houses and on your gates.”

Psalm 127:1 says this, “Unless the LORD builds the house, the builders labor in vain….

1Tim 3:4,5: He must manage his own family well and see that his children obey him, and he must do so in a manner worthy of full respect. (If anyone does not know how to manage his own family, how can he take care of God’s church?)

Factors militating against building a fulfilled Family are many but I will limit to three:

1. Stolen Childhood;
2. Beliefs & Biases;
3. Rash Decisions etc

The Stolen Childhood —- a collective fault

Carefree; I-don’t-care attitude

1. The Polio child – neglect by parents – affecting choices & death till death

Mephibosheth was dropped – His good childhood was stolen

1. Priscilla defiled & humiliated – the only childhood experience she had – Rape: her good childhood was stolen
2. Creating Fearful, scared children – Stealing their childhood
3. When you reject a child – you stole their childhood.

Oh the pains, memories and effect of rejection

Rejects are not products of no parents but of our collective irresponsibilities

Rejection through

1. Preferring one to another
2. Unfair privileges / freedoms

• Not at Child’s events

1. Interrupting the Child
2. Laughing at a child

Leading to

1. Emotional Psychological Imbalance
2. Hostility /Aggressiveness

• Under development

1. Depression / Suicide

Mama T –  A reminiscence in perspective;  Kunle/Tomi – Rejection solved

The Beliefs& Biases  —- a misused experience

            Strong and have impact (positive & negative) on choices and decisions

Belief is akin to culture which can make people resist changes and creative.

Example of beliefs – Religion faith, church belief, tribal/race creed, Gender, Professional beliefs, Transferred beliefs etc ….

Types of Beliefs:

1. Labeling – tagging people Lazy, Stupid…;making them believe so
2. Taking Responsibility for every bad thing,
3. Mind Reading (Jumping to conclusion),
4. Fortune Telling (I know it’s not going to work), etc

Bias on the other hand, refers to the subconscious error in thinking that leads you to misinterpret information from the world around you, and affects the rationality and accuracy of decisions and judgments

1. Confirmation bias – Paying attention to information that confirms existing beliefs
2. Anchoring bias – being overly influenced by the first piece of information obtained, no matter how reliable it is, and using it as the baseline for comparison
3. Bandwagon effect – Behavior or attitude because everyone else is doing it.
4. Halo effect occurs when our positive impression of people, brands or products in one area positively affect our feelings in another area, even though they aren’t related
5. Ostrich effect – Avoiding information they perceive as potentially unpleasant

Rash Decisions  —- mortgaging the destinies of those yet unborn

Crossroads is all about, Should I, Should I not? When, why, who, where and how? Crossroads can be positive or negative. It can be a time of opportunity or a time of crisis, depending on the statuesque one finds himself. Such decision shouldn’t be rash

When you are at crossroads,

How do you know whether your decision is right or wrong?

What factors influence judgments and decisions?

My Rash Decision – This yoke must be broken

Building a Fulfilled Family:

God gave a command to manage well    1Tim 3:4,5; 1Tim 5:8                                                                                                                                      

The benefits of family management also include:

• Family members closer together
• Making everyone more organized and less stressed
• Helping children develop important social skills for life

The 5 M’s of Building a Fulfilled Family

1. Mentoring
2. Maneuvering (Strategizing);
3. Modifying
4. Marketing
5. Motivating

Details in the book

Mentoring

Mentoring is a reciprocal and collaborative at-will relationship that most often occurs between a senior and junior employee for the purpose of the mentee’s growth, learning, and career development. It is any form of social learning where someone with more experience (a mentor) helps guide the learning and growth of someone with less experience (a mentee).

• Train your family well; 2 types of training
  • Academics ….. by School
  • Virtues and Positive values…… by you
• Train up a child in the way he should go, …… Prov 22:6
• Train the boys to cook and the girls to repair car tyres
• Whatever a child is today is the consequence of yesterday’s training
• Develop their talent: Develop their Manpower including yourself and your wife
• Have a routine seminars fun presentation. Rotate fun and seminars
• A family is on-site training to learn how to care for a wide variety of emotional and physical pains by receiving loving care and by watching it being given to others.
• You and your spouse must work together to intentionally teach your children the values you want them to embrace. Otherwise societal forces will answer their questions about their identity, parameters for right and wrong, and what’s important in life—and you may not like the answers they provide.

Maneuvering (Strategizing);

Why Re-strategizing: We strategize due to Environmental constraints, Competition from others, Laws & Regulations, Social & Cultural change, Leadership change, Technological Forces, impact of Past strategies,  Risk Tolerance, Time Dimension, Information constraints, Execution Capacity, etc

SWOT Approach – Strength. Weakness. Opportunities. Threats

PESTLE Approach – Political. Environmental. Social. Technology. Legal Economic.

The David’s strategies & tactics

Modify

“Most of us have two lives. The life we live, and the unlived life within us. Between the two stands Resistance.”– Steven Pressfield

Change: How long will I remain in this status quo?

Will I end the same way I ended last year?

Any day I want, I can discipline myself and make important changes in my life.

Any day I want, I can open the book that will open my mind to new skill and understanding.

Any day I want, I can start a new hustling & bustling – a new process of life change.

I may do it now, or next week, or next month, or next year.

I can also do nothing, pretending rather than performing.

And if the idea of having to change myself makes me uncomfortable, I can remain as I am.

Choosing rest over labor, entertainment over self-improvement,  delusion over truth and doubt over confidence. The choices are mine to make.

But why curse the effect, when we continue to nourish the cause.

If only I can peep to better side of tomorrow; I will know the gain is worth the sacrifice

Change Requires Structure

Evaluating morning routine, he replaced time-consuming breakfasts with quick protein drinks.

Change requires helpers

Not all can be learned on your own. Sometimes it’s useful to seek help of a trusted friend.

When even the telephone alarm failed to wake him up, he asked his secretary to call

Change the perspectives

It’s never the situation that’s at fault. It’s the way you choose to view it.

•  
• Johnsons viewed his nieces wrongly
• The dirty spectacles
• The presenter who wore jeans
•  
• If you change yourself, you can change your family. It all starts with you

– A few, simple changes in beliefs and biases can make all the difference. Enjoy your life more and celebrate more success. Consider the impact your beliefs are having on your life, and fine-tune any beliefs that limit your potential for a more fruitful, fulfilling life.

Do not believe everything you think. As said above ‘our minds are nothing but a bundle of conditioning, consequence of stored up data of the past and their interpretations’; so do not believe everything you think.

Jeremiah 17:9 says, “The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it? ”We have an amazing ability to lie to ourselves. So do not believe everything that passes through your mind.

Proverbs 15:14 records: “A wise person is hungry for knowledge, while the fool feeds on trash”. Monitor what you watch on your television. And remember that the next time you think about reading anything, ensure you do not read and fill up your mind with garbage.

Markets

• God said: Have you seen my servant Job?
• Markets your family; Talk good of them
• Praise them in public, but rebuke at home
• Serve with good virtues

Motivation/Sharing of Tasks:

• Think about how you can divide up jobs so everyone is happy.
• Motivate your family to excel;
• Give gifts for milestones.
• Best motivation is leadership by example
• If household jobs are shared, the burden is lighter on everyone.

Sharing household chores with your children can help them feel important and valued members of the family

Others

1. Pray & Read the word together as a family – On zoom also. Chain Prayer.

E-Ministration. The Guide – Joshua 1:8

2. Situational Management – Pressure of Work / Finance / Health / 3^rd Party / Excesses / Deficit / Emergency Preparedness / Security
3. Communication – Be Clear & Precise: Don’t assume they hear you. Don’t assume they know; Use coded language atimes …….It Is Permitted; Be Transparent
4. Be Involved – Give Attention – Everyone in the family needs to feel loved and valued. Make sure your children – and your partner – receive lots of encouragement, positive feedback and signs of affection. Openly admire and appreciate your partner. Raise the children together. Do not leave the job entire to your wife. Don’t be too busy with work
5. Daily Routines / Rituals & Maintenance – Rituals give everyone a sense of history and belonging. Research shows that rituals can strengthen your family’s values and help pass these values on to your children. Create maintenance culture and award small gifts for Mr Fix it in the house
6. Discipline – Do not spare the rod and spoil the child. Don’t cover for your children when they behave irresponsibly with money or their belongings; this trains them to be irresponsible adults. Responsibility is like the measles: it’s less painful when you get it as a child. The effect in adulthood is disastrous
7. Sacrifice – Sacrifice service: Christ’s teaching on sacrificial service, is recorded in John 12:7-8; 21-26. It Challenges us to lay aside our selfish desires and sacrificially serve just like Jesus “It is more blessed to give than to receive.” – Acts 20:35: “Ask not what your country can do for you —

Remember as a father and even as a mother;

• You are Protector (Preserver / Defender); Provider (Donor/Giver); Promoter; Priest; Prophet
• Have Fun & Love . It’s not all work. Let Love rules
• Poor parental monitoring and supervision and lack of consistent and appropriate discipline

increase risk for adolescent risk behaviors.

• Lack of parental monitoring and supervision has been associated with risky sexual behaviors;

drug and alcohol use, violence and juvenile delinquency so many studies (DiClemente et al., 2001; Pilgrim et al., 2006; Romer et al., 1999).

• Conversely, authoritative parenting – a style of parenting that balances limit setting and high

expectations with support and warmth – is likely to reduce risk for adolescent substance use (Stephenson & Helme, 2006).

• The family is the most important organization in the world. Building loving, lasting

relationships is the most important job you’ll ever have. When you make this your priority, other things seem to fall into place.

• The ultimate business of family life is creating an environment in which human beings love

and serve one another so they can grow, flourish, and become all God created them to be.

• A successful family doesn’t just happen. It results from a passionate commitment to shared

values and from family members who invest their love, time and energy into helping each other discover and pursue their calling.

• Family is the sacred ground for training and passing on beliefs, values and traditions.
• Every organization, including a family, needs a manager—someone with a team mentality

who oversees home operations.

• When you work in harmony with the way God created you—instead of trying to be like

someone else—you can better manage your home and personal life.

• Little changes can make a big difference.
• The family is God’s invention. He knows best how to make it work.
• If we manages our family well, our life will manage us well and longer; and each of us will

form a better society

Be focused

I once asked a very successful woman to share her secret with me.

She smiled and said to me…………………………..

“I started succeeding when I started leaving small fights for small fighters….

I stopped fighting those who gossiped about me….

I stopped fighting for a cheating partner……
I stopped fighting for attention…………
I stopped fighting to meet public expectation of me…………..
I left such fights for those who have nothing else to fight for than small issues…
And, I started fighting for, My Vision, My Ideas, My Destiny and My Family!
The day I gave up on small fight is the Day I started being successful!!! “

-Some fights are not worth your time…

Fight for your Family; it is insurance for your old age. Be Wise!!

Clement O. Obadimu, MSc, Ph.D, ANIST, , MCSN, MACS, MIORMS, CPLC, FICCON, CChem, FAESN, Fpmc

Lecturer/Certified Professional Life Coach & Mentor/ Parent

AG-Eket District Men’s President (2010 – date)